Entries have the tendency to be distant and vague when one posts too-long-didn't-read excerpts...., please bear with it for a little while longer.

I've been re-reading The Brothers Karamazov (tbk) by fyodor dostoevsky. It tackles one of the fundamental questions of human existence--how best to live one's life--in a truly engaging way. It coincides with a sermon i recently heard by tim keller. The sermon was on spiritual dryness and how you will never get out of it unless you start listening to your heart, or in other words, being honest with yourself. In tbk, dostoevsky, created 3 brothers who evolve and deal with their struggles based on their differing world views. Each brother epitomizes how human beings really are--full of walking contradictions. Perhaps all of our struggles in life boil down to the reality that we desire contradictory things.

I feel like some christians, including myself, despair the dichotomy between their current spiritual state vs. who/where they would like to be. Even if and when we care enough to profoundly examine our hearts, often we don't like what we see, and sometimes we get stuck, or trapped, in despondency. But the last 2 minutes of keller's sermon pretty much sums up how to treat that despondency: "[We must] at some point turn around and preach the grace of god to ourselves. Preach the gospel to your heart with vividness and effectiveness. Who really was dying of thirst/whose enemies taunted him/whose god really forsook him? Jesus was truly forgotten by god, truly experienced the thirst of god. God will never give up on you. God treated, punished, and gave Jesus the things we deserve so we could recieve his committment and love unconditionally. If we preach christ to ourselves, we will get out of it."

Any meaningful relationship is going to be raw, beautiful, messy, intimate, occasionally thrilling, and just as often, categorically mundane. My relationship with christ is probably the most influential relationship i've been in, but that isn't what makes it different. "Find me. When you seek me, with all your heart, I will be found by you." Jeremiah 29. The truth is, he's always there and that is the difference and it is amazing love.

With that i will say goodbye for now. I completely lost track of time. My bowl of cereal is ruined and my coffee is cold. The next you will hear from me is on easter sunday. Adieu!