power of the flower

Pretty sure i've reached my weekly intake of eggs. I was so hungry after church i ate four hardboiled eggs and immediately regretted it for fear of my unpredictable bowels. Any more and i'll be taking in too much cholesterol, and too much of that is never good.

Moving on...happy easter everyone! This last week was fulfilling. First of all, I've been able to read a lot more and reading usually inspires me to think pretty hard. Giving up leisure media was good for one thing at least. I only brought five books to Korea--tbk by dostoevsky, two dave eggers books and the bible. I did just buy Dune by frank herbert. I heard it's one of those books where the reader has to do all the work the first hundred pages but you're rewarded with a huge payoff after. Secondly, two classes got canceled so with my evenings free, I met up with old and new friends for dinners and caught a Good friday service. It was nice. Thirdly, i've gone on longer runs and it feels pretty euphoric when i finish since i start and end my route at the top of a hill.

Now, it is Monday. I arrived to work straight from the dentist and I'm a little woozy from all the anesthesia. Think i hear voices of my students flowing up the stairs. Most of them get to class early only to sit and concentrate very hard on their cellphone games. And I don't know what it is, but lately, i catch myself muttering, they are so cute. Like when a girl sneaked in a pet hamster inside her jacket pocket and tried to play with it during class or when a boy wiggled his baby tooth free and interrupted class to announce what happened or when another boy entered class with a venti starbucks americano and when i asked him why he said he just really loves coffee. Oh i think they're here

Entries have the tendency to be distant and vague when one posts too-long-didn't-read excerpts...., please bear with it for a little while longer.

I've been re-reading The Brothers Karamazov (tbk) by fyodor dostoevsky. It tackles one of the fundamental questions of human existence--how best to live one's life--in a truly engaging way. It coincides with a sermon i recently heard by tim keller. The sermon was on spiritual dryness and how you will never get out of it unless you start listening to your heart, or in other words, being honest with yourself. In tbk, dostoevsky, created 3 brothers who evolve and deal with their struggles based on their differing world views. Each brother epitomizes how human beings really are--full of walking contradictions. Perhaps all of our struggles in life boil down to the reality that we desire contradictory things.

I feel like some christians, including myself, despair the dichotomy between their current spiritual state vs. who/where they would like to be. Even if and when we care enough to profoundly examine our hearts, often we don't like what we see, and sometimes we get stuck, or trapped, in despondency. But the last 2 minutes of keller's sermon pretty much sums up how to treat that despondency: "[We must] at some point turn around and preach the grace of god to ourselves. Preach the gospel to your heart with vividness and effectiveness. Who really was dying of thirst/whose enemies taunted him/whose god really forsook him? Jesus was truly forgotten by god, truly experienced the thirst of god. God will never give up on you. God treated, punished, and gave Jesus the things we deserve so we could recieve his committment and love unconditionally. If we preach christ to ourselves, we will get out of it."

Any meaningful relationship is going to be raw, beautiful, messy, intimate, occasionally thrilling, and just as often, categorically mundane. My relationship with christ is probably the most influential relationship i've been in, but that isn't what makes it different. "Find me. When you seek me, with all your heart, I will be found by you." Jeremiah 29. The truth is, he's always there and that is the difference and it is amazing love.

With that i will say goodbye for now. I completely lost track of time. My bowl of cereal is ruined and my coffee is cold. The next you will hear from me is on easter sunday. Adieu!

from Mother teresa, "Suffering, if it is accepted together borne together, is joy. Remember that the passion of Christ ends always in the joy of the resurrection of Christ, so when you feel in your own heart the suffering of Christ, remember the resurrection has yet to come--the joy of Easter has yet to dawn."

Lord Jesus, make us realize that it is only by frequent deaths of ourselves and our self-centered desires that we can come to live more fully; for it is only by dying with you that we can rise with you.

more of tbk

I feel completely crushed! This very second I realize that, just as you say, I was expecting you to praise me for my sincerity when I told you that i would not be able to bear ingratitude. You have brought out what was within me. You saw it and you have shown it to me!

Do you really mean what you say now? If so, after what you have admitted, I am sure that you are sincere and that you have a good heart. Even if it is not given to you to achieve happiness, you must always remember that you are on the right path and you must not try to stray from it. Above all, avoid lying, especially to yourself. Keep watching out for your lies, watch for them every hour, every minute. Also avoid disgust, both for others and for yourself: whatever strikes you disgusting within yourself is cleansed by the mere fact that you notice it. Avoid fear too, although fear is really only a consequence of lies. Never be afraid of your petty selfishness when you try to achieve love, and don't be too alarmed if you act badly on occasion. I'm sorry I cannot tell you anythg more reassuring. A true act of love, unlike imaginary love, is hard and forbidding. Imaginary love yearns for an immediate heroic act that is achieved quickly and seen by everyone. People may actually reach a point where they are willing to sacrifice their lives, as long as the ordeal doesn't last too long, is quickly over--just like on the stage, with the public watching and admiring. A true act of love, on the other hand, requires hard work and patience, and for some, it is a whole way of life. But i predict that at the very moment when you see despairingly that, despite all your efforts, you have not only failed to come closer to your goal, but indeed, seem even farther from it than ever--at that very moment, you will have achieved your goal and will recognize the miraculous power of our Lord, who has always loved you and has secretly guided you all along.

qt with tbk

I want to be praised and paid for love with love. Otherwise, i'm quite incapable of loving anyone...

I love mankind, but i find to my amazement that the more i love mankind as a whole, the less i love individual people. In my thoughts, I often visualize ecstatically the sacrifices i could make for mankind, and indeed, i might even accept martyrdom for my fellow men if circumstance suddenly demanded it of me. In actual fact, however, I cannot bear to spend two days in the same room with another person. And this i know from personal experience. Whenever someone is too close to me, i feel my personal dignity and freedom are being infringed upon. Within twenty fours hours, i can come to hate the best of men, perhaps because he eats too slowly or because he has a cold and keeps blowing his nose. I become a man's enemy the minute he touches me. But to make up for it, the more i hate individual people, the more ardent is my general love for mankind.

...what is the answer then? Is it completely hopeless?

No, because the very fact that it worries you is enough in itself. Do the best you can and it will stand you in good stead. As it is, you have done a great deal, for you have come to know yourself deeply and sincerely. However, if you have spoken to me so frankly only to make me praise you for your sincerity, then of course, you will fail to accomplish true acts of love; all your good intentions will remain mere daydreams, and your whole life will slip by like a shadow. In that case, you will certainly forget all about the future life as well, and in the end you will somehow or other stop worrying altogether.

A bunch of us drove to the city limit and saw this sky. Deep thanks for all the bussday love. I will re: post-haste. Ah miss yew, elee