heart theology

“Salvation comes from the Lord.”--Jonah prayed.

Restore unto me the joy of salvation.

I recently picked up Per Petterson's novel, I Curse the River of Time, a book about memory and rueful regret, as well as confronting the idea that we will all die. In it, Petterson writes of the moment when you realize that you are dying, the moment before you simply cease to be, and your brain is able to register that fact: "I was scared. Not of being dead, that I could not comprehend, to be nothing was impossible to grasp and therefore nothing really to be scared of. But the dying itself I could comprehend, the very instant when you know that now comes what you have always feared, and you suddenly realise that every chance of being the person you really wanted to be, is gone for ever, and the one you were, is the one those around you will remember."

I bring this up because at service yesterday night, the guest speaker spoke extensively about Jonah in the moment he thought he was to die. Jonah had been thrown overboard, abandoned in the water and in the fish. He was going down, down, down....But then his faith rises with his heart in it. He turned and ran to God. He called out to God in prayer--a humble, honest, cry of need.

If I honestly describe my present feelings and situation, my private prayer life has been suffering for awhile. Recent, big decisions about the future were solely my own. I didn't consult family or friends or God. Also, it's been hard to make meaningful connections with people here yet I feel such weak resolve to take the initiative to get to know others. I realize if I'm to have any public ministry, I need revival in my prayer life. As long as I'm alive, I can and should and will cry out to the Lord! But I'm so forgetful and weak. Please pray that my heart and prayers are honest, repenting, thankful, and committed.